We are going back in time with the original HOUSE OF SPODDERS by Nicky “Spackleback” Pacione. This is one he always brags about how amazing it is and how it puts him right up there with all the great horror writers. He wrote two sequels to this, which are lost to the mists of time since they were published with now-defunct publishing houses and it is doubtful that the screeching howler monkey ever saved any of his original manuscripts on any persistent media.
This thing is actually readable, unlike his newer screeds, which is going to make it fun to milk this lolcow for lots of lulz.
With that being said, let’s crack the hood on this Pinto of a story.
House of Spiders
OK, let’s start with this. he blows the entire shock of the story with the goddamn title. Of course, it isn’t a house, it’s fucking asylum or hospital or some shit.
Written by Nickolaus A. Pacione
Well shit, that explains it.
We look into the eyes of a person who was selected for a reality show but the details of what she was told that she would be doing was uncertain.
So, I’m supposed to be looking INTO the eyes? Who gives a shit. It’s supposed to be ‘look through’ but this, like everything else Pacione touches (soap, human relations, personal hygiene, not being a creep on the internet) he fucks it up like Grover trying to build a house.
And who the FUCK takes a job where they don’t know what they are going to be doing. I had a shot at a reality show when I was younger and holy fuck, the contracts spelled shit out right down to the littlest detail. This just showed that Pacione, reality, and research never intersect.
Though from the account of Joanna Hollins is one that paints the picture of what nightmares become when they answer the call. That call was one that begins the account that was transcribed to what they see here.
OK, holy shit. So, it is the Call of the Wild, the Mating Call of the Joliet Toilet Monster, the Call of Duty? Or is it just a phone call from the producers of this reality show?
This paragraph is a hint to you about what there is to come, to use Pacione-ese. This is entirely going to suck out my will to live and make me hate you with the fiery passions of a thousand burning suns that I will be able to taste in my balls.
Joanna was from a small town outside of Joliet called Mazon, Illinois,
Of course she is.
but her fascination with reality shows was one that was beyond anything that one can understand.
This right here shows that Pacione doesn’t understand people and never interacts with them. Anyone knows ‘that guy’ who is a little too obsessed with shit. You know him, he’s the guy that can tell you the exact square footage of a Super Star Destroyer or tell you how many steps it is from the Engineering Section to the Captain’s Bathroom aboard the USS Enterprise-C, or knows what page number covers elves VS the sleep spell in 2E AD&D.
Don’t be ‘that guy’.
It was about January 24, 1997, when she got the call of being on a show which was hosted by the local news and the setting of it was in a local asylum.
OK, NEVER put dates, unless you don’t mind your story being dated. You know how many books I have from the 1980’s that say the world ended in 2000? Like, dozens. And I’m an illiterate hillbilly.
She got the call about 8 AM, it was a calm winter morning within her Grundy County home.
It was calm WITHIN her home? She doesn’t have a roof? The winter is inside her house?
“Hello,” Joanna responded to the call, still tired.
OK, I’m usually tired at 8AM, but that’s because I stay up till 4AM due to obligations. For Pacione, he thinks normal people would be tired because he’s:
- Never held a job.
- Doesn’t get up before noon
- Has no idea how other people live
- Thinks 8AM is early
- Can’t be trusted to look after a dog
- Is a goddamn moron.
I mean, there are plenty of reasons she could be tired at 8AM. No coffee, sleepless night, all kinds of room for characterization. He just thinks that everyone nods along going “Yes, yes, 8AM is very early in the morning and not when I leave to work like a normal person.”
“Do you realize what time it is, some of us are still trying to sleep.”
Said nobody with a normal schedule ever.
She was really tired from doing an all night study session, she had to write a thesis on abnormal psychology and a paper on phobias for her psychology class.
OK, if she wrote BOTH of them, in one night, she’s going to FAIL. A thesis requires quite a bit of time investment to get right. Meaning, I guess, we’re looking ‘into’ the eyes of a lazy idiot who is going to fail all their classes. I know, I know, some of you (and me, cough cough) held off on writing our thesis till the last minute for our Master’s Degree, but what she wrote is NOT a pair of thesis. Research papers, maybe a term paper, maybe just a homework assignment.
This just shows that despite all of Sparkle Pony’s claims, he didn’t pay ANY attention in class and doesn’t know jack or shit about college or college classes.
Research, thy name is NOT Pacione.
“Is this a Joanna Hollins?” the person calling asked, “You have been selected by CLTV news for a reality show that is set within an old hospital.
Note they don’t wait for an answer. They don’t ask her if she wants to do it, they just act like they’re the Selective Service Board and she’s going to Vietnam.
i’d tell these guys to hit the bricks. For fuck’s sake, Pacione, try to make shit believable. Do a little research. There’s plenty of articles, even in 2000, about how the selection process for a reality show goes. They don’t just pick random fucking people.
We cannot go into the details of the show right now but if you give us your mailing address we can send you more information about what the show is about.
This sounds more like the last phone call someone got before their family started up missing fliers around town for them. Or maybe a scam. Completely unrealistic.
We can tell you a little about the hospital we are doing this in, it has a macabre history of doctors killing themselves and nurses becoming violently sick without warning.
Oh by the dead God’s rotting scrotum. This is an intro to a fucking info-dump where Pacione blows his load all over the page. Instead of letting the characters discover this information, Pacione is just going to vomit it all up on the page like a dog who’s been eating from the kitty-litter box.
See, this is where he should have kept this in his plot notes, and had the characters find out about it. Instead, he’ll jus tell everything and then get confused why nobody is amazed by the revelations later in the story. He’ll wonder why there is no sense of dread in the story, thinking that by doing this he’ll create a sense of dread and foreshadowing, but instead of foreshadowing he just had his major players wander out spattered in blood and yelling “OOOOH SCARY!” at the top of their lungs.
But let us journey on into this pig-shit. I mean, we’re already waist deep, so fuck it.
How they found the nurses in the hospital, blood drained from their bodies but barely alive.
Ugh. Typical goddamn Pacione. These nurses are surviving without blood? Holy fucking shit, I’m calling it now…
Big spiders. Snore
The kind of thing that writes themselves into old horror novels or urban mythology.
Unfortunately for this story, it’s being written by Pacione, which means it’s going to be a huge sack of shit that we all have to make sandwiches out of.
Could you imagine a worse fate? You’re a scary goddamn monster, capable of making people wet themselves just at the whisper of your name, and then… FUCK… Pacione is the one writing about you.
You’d just douse yourself in gasoline to get it over with quicker.
Pack as you would a camping trip because the area we are going to have you sleep in are the old resident quarters.
Holy shit, they have to provide their own camping shit. Once again, this just shows that the basement dwelling Pacione (Literally.He lives in the basement of a relative’s house) doesn’t do anything. At all. See, you and I, being normal badly-adjusted internet-using adults, know that a goddam reality show provides everything.
Otherwise, you’re just camping with motherfuckers you don’t like while creepy strangers video you.
We’ll be taping every move you make, and every move that your room mates have.
We aren’t paying for shit, but we are going to videotape you and sell it for pure profit for us!
We are looking to take about 20 married and engaged couples then put them in this place, and have them tape their own accounts. We managed to call you because of a paper you wrote a few years ago, one of your high school teachers gave it to us since the teacher is a personal friend of mine.”
::headset:: Holy shit. This just shows that Pacione has no idea how anything works. To a normal person this would sound like a very inept serial killer trying to lure us into a van. To Pacione, this seems perfectly normal.
These guys are just scouting out their next victims for their serial killer fetish. I mean, seriously… Tape your own accounts of us hunting you for sport because a friend of ours who molests… errr… teaches high school students gave us a paper that you, an underage girl at the time, wrote.
“Sort of like the show that is on basic cable right now? Sounds intriguing but old, abandoned hospital places give me the creeps,” she
Hung up on these obviously creepy assholes and lived happily every after.
said with hesitation, “but I might as well do it.
Goddamn it.
It sounds intriguing enough.
That word does not mean what you think it means.
I thought this was a bullshit prank at first but seems like you got a legit deal here.
No it doesn’t. It seems like the laziest serial killer in the world luring you to his rape dungeon. I hope the spiders eat your stupid ass.
I was looking for inspiration to write about, but right now I was running on dry with the ideas. I want to do this, but lets see if I can get my husband in on it as well.”
Running dry on ideas? Holy fuck, she’s a goddamn moron. She’s not doing a thesis, she’s drawing on a piece of paper with crayons and taking it to her handler, who then makes sure the bucket on her head is secure.
“I take it that you watch some of those reality shows, don’t worry this is nothing like that show or similar shows,” the caller answered,
WHAT SHOW? “That show” implies a certain show. For fuck’s sake, Pacione, details, motherfuckers, do you write them? And notice it’s still an unidentified caller. This motherfucker has NOT idea how the world works outside of his dingy, dirty basement where he sleeps in a sleeping bag because he’s too lazy to make a bed.
And no shit she watches them. In the 1990’s like 2/3 of America watched them. He acts like this is a shock, and “Ooooh, she watched reality shows, NOBODY I know watched those…” said nobody ever.
“the place is said to be haunted for a number of years. We will be meeting you in Joliet Union Station, your meals will be covered along with your room and board when you are staying in the old hospital.
Well, her meals will be covered, which I assume means whatever she manages to lick off the floor and walls, and of course board is covered, she’s staying in an old hospital. For fuck’s sake…
The taping of the show will be for about 8 months, but what you are welcome to do here is bring your own video camera and make a documentary of the events that go on inside of the place.
EIGHT GODDAMN MONTHS! Do you know how much footage they’d have? Does he know how fucking BORING that show would be? Does he know that they edit out the boring parts and manufacture drama if they have to? Holy shit, he did NO research at all, not even watching a reality show.
And bring their own camera? Said no fucking TV show ever. The behind the scenes are a selling point for the DVDs, they won’t let some no-name idiot make their own. Plus, that shit would be on YouTube in seconds, ruining the shawl fucking show.
The reason I tell you to bring your own video camera is that one can document in case there might be a ghost that will walk into the room where you are staying at.”
Said no fucking producer ever.
Now, I took several screenwriting and theater classes (Not as an actor) and there’s no way in fucking HELL that a producer would allow that shit.
She agreed to the project because Joanna already kept a video journal and after she got the phone call, she pulled the video camera and started taping. The show was going to use her own footage for it as well. A conversation between her and Todd, and a degree in film making and her husband was a writer of gothic novels.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Of course she took it. But instead of writing out the conversation, he just skips it. Then, of course she’s a video journal keeper.
Of course he has a degree in film making and is a writer. Actually, it looks like that between the TWO of them they have aONE degree in film making.
THAT’S NOT HOW DEGREES WORK!
“I think you should do it,” Todd suggested to her, they were both in bed getting ready to turn out the light,
Of course he does. And of course he skips the rest of the day. Or they’re going to bed at 8:30AM.
“I know that there is a lot going into your mind about this project. But something like this doesn’t come around every day;
What? Getting murdered by a fucking serial killer?
this is an opportunity that one cannot even begin to pray for. If they called me, I would jumped at the chance.
Because I’m a goddamn moron who deserves to be taken out of the gene pool!
They said you can bring someone along with you and I am glad that you offered to take me with you.
They said “MARRIED OR ENGAGED COUPLES” YOU INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE!
Goddamn it, Pacione can’t even keep it straight. And let’s be honest, she basically volunteered him without asking.
I’d be fucking pissed.
I read some about this place that they are doing the show at,
Of course you did, ass.
it was something out of the pages of an Edgar Allan Poe short story.
Of course it was, ass.
The nurses that became violently ill were in their late 20s, and the doctor that killed himself.
Well, there goes all the suspense.
They didn’t say much on the reasons why but it had to go along with something that happened within the place.”
Gee, you fucking think? Things happen in place, must go along with things that happened in the place. WHAT THE FUCK? did this guy suddenly take a head wound? Did some robber jump out and shoot him in the fucking head? Is this guy a completely retarded asshole jus tlike Pacione and now we have to deal with the fact that he’s an author standing, only stupider and somehow less believable?
“I just feel very uneasy about it,” she responded,
No you aren’t. You took an unknown job from unknown people in an unknown place (that you’re dipshit boyfirend/husband/waht the fuck ever just happens to know about) for eight months! You aren’t nervous about shit.
And you probably fake your orgasms.
“I know I am excited about it but it scares the shit out of me about the idea of going into a place as that, with the history that it has.
No it doesn’t. Stop lying.
I will do the show,
Ofcourse you will.
but it scares me to death because of the place that I am doing this show in.
Let me guess, you get scared having to go to a new store too.
I swear, Pacione is the ONLY author who is so terrified of going outside that he projects it on everything he writes. Him and going outside to strange places is like Rob fucking Zombie and his fear of white trash.
Did they say how the doctor killed himself? I know it sounds morbid that I am asking this, but I want to know as much as possible about the history of the doctor.
Who gives a shit? He’s fucking dead. Worry about the mystery people luring you somewhere they can hunt you for sport.
I was reading the outline for the show and it scares the shit out of me because how they did their research for this.
WHAT? Where the fuck did you get the outline? Did they send that shit via Hogwarts Owl Post? I mean, WTF? You just accepted. You haven’t read any contracts, you haven’t signed a Non-Disclosure Agreement, and you have an outline? And an OUTLINE for a TV show? For fuck’s sake, do your goddamn research you mouth breathing troglodyte!
I know I must try to get some sleep but that what happened to the doctor is what keeps me awake.” They kissed each other a good night and turned out the light.
Not pictured: Sex. Because Pacione can’t imagine anyone having sex with him, so naturally, nobody has sex anywhere at any time.
He knows nothing about other people.
Joanna was nervous for some reason and felt quite uneasy about the call and invitation to be part of a reality show, and especially about the subject matter namely.
How many times is she going to repeat this shit?
She thought, damn, Todd is asleep like there is nothing to worry about while this scares the hell out of me. The history of the place is what baffles me the worst and how the nurses became violently ill.
Holy shit, shut up, bitch.
It has to be about midnight, I have to get some sleep. What they left out about how they found the doctor was the way he tried to kill himself, the discovery of his body was one of the most grizzly in the history of Illinois.
Wait, he turned into a bear? Holy shit! Paging Dr. Grizzly to ICU, Paging Dr. Grizzly to ICU!
“Yes, doctor, I have a pain in my … OH MY GOD YOU’RE A BEAR!”
It was about 2 am when Joanna fell asleep, but felt uneasy about everything within the details told in the article and thesis of the show.
Fucking ugh.
Before she went to bed, Joanna had a camera set up next to her bed. As part of the requirement, before going on the show she had to do a video journal.
Well, now we know why they don’t have sex.
It was about 9 AM when she awoke from a disturbed sleep.
Holy shit, how long do these people sleep in?
The dream that she had was how she found the doctor, in the residence room. He was without his hand because he cut if off, couldn’t save himself in time then bleed to death from what little blood was left in his body.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
[day one] Video Journal of Joanna Hollins: “The name is Joanna Hollins. I was picked to do a project that is hosted by CLTV, I don’t know the details of this show that I was selected for but I was told that it would be a documentary type of format.
OK, full fucking stop. She knows this: The OUTLINE of the fucking show. That she’s going to be on a reality show. That it’s going to be in a haunted abandoned hospital.
WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DOES SHE WANT TO KNOW?
I don’t makes sense of the reasons why they ask us to bring our own cameras into the show, but I will find out later on as I am going to the train station.
They fucking told you why, you blithering idiot. I mean, it makes no sense to me, but it isn’t like they fucking told you.
You know what, I hope you get eaten by spiders.
I am just packing my things needed for the show, and the husband is going to be accompanying me on the start of the thing. Honesly I am scared as hell to do this because I know a little bit about the story of what happened inside the place. The details gave me some nightmares that I cannot begin to relate. My husband, Todd, is fine with the idea, but he seems more excited than I am about the project. I just have this notion that something is going to go wrong within the place that I pray doesn’t. I felt very uneasy about the thing because I am going into a place with a history that is darker than the House of Usher.
This is why people want to punch Pacione right in the word processor.
Though I might only be 21 years old, but something of this nature does make me nervous. My husband is looking forward to it because he wants to use what he picked up in the project and write a story off it. Just something about this made me feel uneasy, but he is like a boy scout who is telling ghost stories on a camping trip about the whole idea. I could hear him trying to scare the shit out of me as his idea of a practical joke. One thing that I am scared to death of is spiders, and that is something that goes back a number of years. But though the thing that gets to me is how the doctor killed himself those many years ago, and that is the riddle that will play out in the mind as I do this video journal for the show.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
I just feel like a character in a horror movie that is going to go to a place that they know they would end up dead,
Yet your dumb ass is still going? You have all the self-preservation instincts of a baby stuck head-first in a water filled bucket.
This whole thing so far, remember, is just this half-wit talking into a goddamn video camera. This is why trying to do video journals in literature is difficult as shit.
Right now, we just have monologuing to us. And it sucks.
just that notion I have. I cannot begin to describe this though it is something that scares the hell out of me when it comes to places with a back history behind it.
Of course she can’t describe it.
Pacione can’t describe anything. He never has been able to, he still cannot, and he never will be able to.
He is the ONLY writer I’ve ever seen who has gotten WORSE the more he writes.
I have an allegory to bee stings, that goes back to when I was 16 years old.
HAHAHAH! What? You have an allegory to bee stings?
It was on my birthday when I was at a friends apartment, a bee flown into can of soda and accidentally allowed the bee to get into my mouth.
Happy birthday!
I was carried out on a helicopter to Silver Cross hospital in Joliet. And what I was told of the place had an infestation of hornets,
What had an infestation of hornets? The soda? your friends house? The hospital in Joliet? The helicopter?
I don’t really have an idea of where this place is at but some of my friends are familiar with the old hospital.
Of course they are.
They used to squat in the place when they ran away from home,
Of course they did.
sometimes they saw the ghost of the doctor walking around in the halls.
Of course they did.
So what they told me about the place I was not able to sleep for weeks unless it was with some chemical assistance.
I suggest heroin.
The question of how CLTV got my phone number baffled me, but I was thinking they found a paper I wrote in 1990 about Illinois’ dark history.”
Looked you up on the internet, or maybe in the phone book?
RUN, THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!
And of course that was the paper you did.
She turned off the camera and proceed to pack her bags up for the project. The words she could describe of herself being a bit uneasy.
Oh for the love of fuck.
It was about 11 AM when she and Todd made the trip to Joliet Union station, and there they were greeted by a midnight blue SUV.
Holy shit, he accidentally described something! Take a shot.
It turned out the truck was driven by a person behind the project,
Of cours eit was.
“Are you Joanna Hollins? We spoke on the phone. I’m the organizer of the reality show type documentary.
Organizer. Not the producer, not the director, not the screenplay. The ORGANIZER! WTF, Pacione, do your fucking research, you mouth breathing howler monkey.
See you got your video camera, the members of the project have to film their own footage and what we are expecting is someone who keeps a video journal of each night they are there.
We aren’t going to buy food, you’ll stay in an abandoned building, we aren’t going to film you, you have to do it all yourself.
What kind of sketchy fucking reality show is this?
This must be your husband, Todd, I am pleased to meet with you. This place that we are filming at has a dark history behind it, I will explain more in the truck.”
I swear to fucking God, if one more person says “dark history behind it” I’m going to fucking scream.
“Joanna, you seemed like you haven’t slept in days, you could tell me what is going on?” Todd asked his wife,
SHE SLEPT LAST NIGHT! RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! YOU FUCKING DOUCHE!
sounding a bit concerned, “seems like something you read in the thesis made you disturbed for some reason.”
IT WASN’T A GODDAMN THESIS, IT WAS AN OUTLINE!
Is everything a thesis to Pacione? Does he not know what words mean?
The truck had a camera in it and filmed them, they didn’t realize the show was taping,
Missing the big fuckoff 1990’s era TV resolution camera.
“Do you mind, we are trying to have a private moment between husband and wife.”
Umm, you’re on a reality show, dispirit.
“I apologize for not introducing you to the main camera man, this is the Hollins family. I want you to meet Thomas Edwards. He is the one that is going to be taping this documentary project for CLTV. He is not very familiar with the St. James Hospital.
Then he’s the only motherfucker in the world who isn’t.
OH! And he’s the primary camera man?
OK, little bit of theater background and going to a University where people are film majors: The lead stage hands, director, producer, stunt coordinator, steady-cam operator, and lead camera operateors will ALL go to a site to check: lighting, spacing, angles, and a shitload else. He’d be more familiair with that hospital than Todd is with his wife.
The area of the hospital is in Dekalb, Illinois. The reason I told you to pack as you would for a camping trip because there are no bedding in the place.
::headset::
Beds but no bedding. It had been abandoned for about 20 years, since the death of the doctor and the discovery of the nurses becoming violently ill.
OK, once again: Why would they close the hospital because of 1 doctor dying and some nurses getting ill? There’s been hospitals that had fucking mass shootings that are still open.
The nurses are still alive, and one of them was one of our sources of why we are doing the documentary. They could not explain why they became violently ill but the reason the doctor killed himself because he was in a lot of pain,
Ummm.. okay?
the medical examiner said that he killed himself because he had a bite of a spider on his arm.
A fucking spider bite? Dude, I know a guy who got bit by a fucking camel-spider in 1991 and he didn’t kill himself.
The animal drained his blood as myths of the undead.
CREEPY! SPIDERS NEVER DRINK BLOOD! OH GOD!
We were doing a project in a matter of months about haunted places or places with histories shrouded with bizarre happenings in them.
And Pacione rips off Ghost Hunters before it is even a show, retroactively ruining it for everyone who liked it.
I never had a chance to introduce myself on the phone, I am Catrina Taylor,” the staff member stated,
Holy shit, she’s been talking for like 20 minutes and JUST NOW she’s introducing herself?
“We have about a little more than an hour drive, and what intrigued me about the place is the history and the way it is designed. It was built in the 1930s, and one of the first modern hospitals for the mentally ill.
1930. Modern.
Let that sink in.
The discoveries of the horrors of the American mental healthy facility system was not discovered until the 1960’s. This place would look like some shit out of a real fucking scary movie, but instead, Pacione makes it seem like it’s full of chrome, glass, open spaces, and modern architecture.
Instead of a place Batman would consider too inhumane to house the Joker.
I will be staying with the cast on the project in one of the residential rooms.”
Said no director, producer ever.
“I will be honest with you, the history behind the place has some pretty sick shit,” Catrina tried to reassure them,
THAT’S REASSURING?
How does she reassure people that their loved ones are alive? “Your baby is stupid, ugly, and will probably be deformed, but it’s alive!”
“ I will have the cellphones handy and have medical assistance at a press of a button in case things get too frightening.
::headset::
The reason I want to do this is because I am looking for the ghost of the doctor that died in there. They said of the doctor that he walks among the halls and leaves a trail of blood that was the place the spiders bit his arm.”
Of course she is.
Of course he does.
“Why did you have to mention spiders?” Joanna responded, sounding a bit horrified.
Because they’re in the title of the book, Jane, you ignorant slut.
“It’ll be fine, I am going to be there with you,” Todd tried to reassure her, “nothing will happen to you. It looks like we have arrived. Damn it almost appears out of the pages of a Poe story.
Take a shot.
To the head.
With a gun
I could just hear the gears churning in my head,
This makes me want to punch Todd in the prostate with a spiked gauntlet.
let me see that video camera.
NO. you aren’t a cameraman.
I want to document this stuff, shit, this can make for some good inspiration.
Self-centered as Pacione. Yup, this moron is his author standing.
Is this the House of Spiders everyone is talking about?
This is the first time we’ve heard this name. The first ime ANYONE has mentioned this name.
Someone please punch Todd in the head.
Damn, this is has some vibe that I cannot begin to relate but I can say this much. It does have that atmosphere of some of the gothic stories I have written.”
Of course it does.
Goddamn it, I hate this guy already.
[day one] Journal of Todd Hollins: “This place, I don’t even know what I can say of this place but all I can say it has a feel that is all of its own.
But he won’t describe it.
That I know my wife is horrified as it is from the dreams that she had from the story behind the place, but I am more intrigued by it.
Of course you are.
The staff and crew are going to be staying with us on the entire project,
No shit.
and we don’t know when it would air on CLTV but I know one thing. I wish they called me instead of Joanna. We will be presented with our rooms soon enough here and some of the roommates arrived within an hour from our arrival, one pair came from Racine, Wisconsin, and the other was up from Toronto, Ontario.”
And we will never hear anything else about them again.
It was a matter of hours before they settled into the abandoned hospital; for the next five months they were going to call the place home.
So they cut 3 months off the shooting schedule already?
Though the narrative given will be of the first few days, but by the time the entire project was done, no one can begin to find the words to describe what they saw in the place.
Ofcourse the y can’t. Someone fucking shoot me.
But it was within the first night that Joanna heard the walking around in the halls.
Of course she did. But nobody checked. It wasn’t filmed.
The stirring around in the darkness she felt, even though the room had heat in it and the cold was touching the feet as she slept.
Wait, and abandoned hospital has heat?
Her husband rested in the next room; they didn’t have everyone in the residential rooms, they had placed some of them in the waiting rooms (the ones that used to be used for the patients who had been in surgery for long hours, and the visitors would often spend the night. This is where they were placed.)
Umm, those aren’t waiting rooms. That’s recovery, or regular in-patient rooms. Goddamn it, Pacione.
She began to dream. In her dreams she felt the horror that was within the walls and in the walls she felt four pairs of eyes looking back at her, then another pair of fangs impaling the roommate she was assigned. The animal began to drink without end, though one cannot explain how these spiders had lived as long as they have.
Of course they can’t.
See, THIS is one of the dumb things about his stories. He can’t tell you anything about anything in his stories because he’s incapable of anything that isn’t mooching off of everyone
Let me use an example from me. I wanted to know what it was like to saw through a person with a chainsaw. I got a deer corpse from a friend and used my chainsaw on it. (Don’t do this…) So I knew. I wanted to know how many different types of spiders there were, SO I FUCKING LOOKED IT UP, but he’s incapable of any kind of research, not even his own experiences bleed through in his writing. He’s incapable of describing a fucking thing beyond basics.
And this is why his writing sucks.
And the she fell asleep. It is in EVERY ONE of his stories that features a woman. Women are incapable of staying awake in his stories.
One of her roommates that the spider was drinking from was the person who organized the project to happen, then around the roommate were the nurses who were violently ill. Their faces were bloated with puss
Heh. That’s not on my end. He literally used the word ‘puss’, which means either their faces were bloated with face or with cats, and that’s without the fact that their faces might be bloated with vagina.
and mouths were swollen shut from the places the spiders had bit them.
Um… OK? Anaphylactic shock?
In her long nightgown and bare feet she watched in horror, but she was not able to scream or say a word.
Ugh. This is what I hate about having critiqued his work.
See, being wrapped up like a mummy, or a woman in a long nightgown with bare feet is erotic to him. The more you read the more you become aware of it, until you can’t read that line without feeling nauseous.
She was so horrified by all that she saw there but when she tried to run, she couldn’t move her arms or legs. She was thinking, this was not real, I am dreaming. I see my own body still in the bed covered up which is the telltale thing that I am dreaming but I cannot wake up. What the fuck is going on here? I see myself sound asleep, and dead to the rest of the world. I must wake up, hey bitch, wake up here.
This is the most boring ‘scary dream sequence’ I have ever read. I literally almost fell asleep.
This shows again how Pacione doesn’t understand shit.
If you can’t wake someone in the first 5 minutes, YOU CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE!
“Joanna, are you all right? It seemed like you were having a nightmare so I had decided to try and wake you. I had this uneasy notion about the project as well but I knew it was something that the boss wanted to do. I knew of the place’s history before taking on the project.
Of course you did.
I do understand quite well about the reasons that you are badly shaken about this place,
Of course he does.
I know because I have seen this thing that one speaks of. ”
Of course he has.
Christ, this is in EVERY fucking book and story he writes.
She began to look at his hand, since it appeared to be all bloated. The place where it was bit at was at the forearm. His face was bleeding from the eyes, and what she couldn’t describe was an absolute horror.
Of course she couldn’t describe it. This is a dry statement of facts, not a description.
Again; when she closed her eyes again no one else was around. She was still dreaming, but the horrors within the place grew on her. It was a matter of hours before she awoke again, she kept the video camera close by for when she woke up. It was still dark when she awoke, turned on the camera and proceeded to do another entry in her video journal.
I hate everyone in this story so much.
[day two] “Did you hear that? I know that someone won’t believe me when I do this entry but I think I heard footsteps in the hall. Not one but eight sets of footsteps but no one was around, my roommates are still asleep and think nothing is going on. Though I know different. I had a dream that was beyond anything that was disturbing, though I had an idea of what happened to why the nurses became violently ill. They had bites from what appeared to be the resemblance of vampires, but they were not the undead people from the vampire myths. These were spiders that lived for hundreds of years. The thing that frightens me is that they were giving immortality.
OK, my eyes were starting to glaze, so I was skipping shit, but that…
“giving immortality”
So they GIVE immortality with their bites? FUCKING RAWK! Bite me, bitches!
I went to check on my husband but he seems to be asleep without a sound, though one can hear the whispers in the hall.
So we have to hear this in her video, instead of it being descripted. Jesus, I hate this shit.
I went to check on the roommate that was sleeping on the top bunk, no pulse and not breathing. Their body was all bloated and puss filled, and the worst of the wound came from the arm. Two puncture wounds, similar to those of a venomous snake.
Did she scream? Run and get help? Shit herself? Nope. She just came bak and recorded it on her camera. Once again showing that Pacione doesn’t understand SHIT about human nature.
Everything he knows about other people is from videos, movies, and TV.
The lifeless body of the roommate was a frightening sight to describe but I cannot begin to realize what all that happened. It all seemed normal from the first night but one didn’t realize that all the horror started within the first night, I might of seen the ghostly doctor walking around within the halls and when I went to get something to eat he was standing there, watching.
But of course, this is how we find out, instead of like we would in a normal story.
I haven’t seen them for real but in the dreams they appeared. All eight of their eyes were staring at me; each of their eyes having a life of their own. In the eyes they walk around, as they appear to be with a soul that is all their own.”
Anyone else getting bored? Just me? OK, we’ll keep going.
Frantically she ran out of the room from the horrific discovery and called to her husband. Still wearing the nightgown that she packed, walking down the halls in bare feet. “Todd, wake up, there is something you have to see.” The cameras were following her every step of the way, “Something really horrible was in my dorm, you have to wake up. There is something here that I cannot begin to describe.”Of course she couldn’t describe it.
And of course she is wearing the nightgown. And barefoot. Walking around a destroyed abandoned hospital.
She began to run into the area where her husband was passed out at, the roommate that was staying with him was being gored by a spider.
Umm, no description? And being GORED by the fucking spider? How big is this fucking spider? Bulls fucking gore people, how big is this goddamn spider’s fangs?
“Joanna, what the hell is going on?” Todd asked, with a bit of a puzzled look on his face.
A spider’s goring your roommate, dumbs.
Then he saw the camera rolling, “Shit I cannot believe they caught that on tape; I wonder if they are actually going to air this.
Notice that Todd doesn’t want to help the person STILL being gored?
We have to go find Catrina, because she didn’t expect something like this happening. Though I have seen that ghostly doctor as well, seen the trail of blood that was there.
Of course he did.
I began to realize what was going on when we started to spend the first night in the place.Ofcourse. The omnipotent writer.
We have to leave, try to get everything you came in with and lets get the hell out of here.
Because going back for material things while A FUCKING SPIDER ISGORING YOUR ROOMMATE is fucking normal>
I saw what happened to one of the nurses,
But no the person STILL BEING GORED!
she is caught up within one of the webs of the spiders. The reason they are called vampires are that being they live on human blood, but they don’t convert humans to vampires after they have been bit.
neither do normal fucking spiders.
We have to go get that nurse and get out of here, go find the rest of the people we came in with.”
Except the roommate.
Time ticked slowly as Hollins family proceed to find their way out of the hospital, the camera crew was still alive as well so they proceed to follow them out.
Holy shit, skips over what could have been a cool scene.
And the roommate is STILL being gored.
The reason why the spiders were alive this long was that they did drink human blood, and the venom from the fangs of the spiders made the victim violently sick.
Umm, normal spiders aren’t like that. So these spiders are as big as fucking oxen, and all their pussy-ass venom does is make people sick?
Worst spiders ever.
Todd nervously grabbed his video camera
Gotta get those YouTube hits, baby.
and a pair of basketball shoes for his wife because the rest of the hospital was filled with broken glass.
But she wandered to his room with no problems.
“Put these on, sorry I couldn’t get any socks for you but I am sure we can get back to your sleeping area and get some socks.
WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT SOCKS!
The spider is STILL goring his roommate, btw.
It is a good thing we didn’t unpack everything, it is easier to vacate the place.”
Of course they didn’t. They’ll go back for it, but wouldn’t pack it?
This is supposed to be the tense climax, and this is so fucking boring, Family Feud reruns are more exciting.
Joanna grabbed as much as she was able to carry; along with her camera, without question she began to video tape the carnage.
I hate all these people now.
“Shit, I don’t think anyone would believe me unless I got the footage of this;
BITCH GET OUT OF THE BUILDING!
the story of seven strangers about their lives being taped had nothing on this.
You know, I’ll bet he honestly thinks this poorly written piece of drivel is actually better than that reality show.
I know from what I saw in this place, I had to get the hell out of here But we had to find the nurse before leaving the place, I know nothing about the layout of this hospital but she can be almost anywhere.”
And he fucked up his tenses, making it seem like they already did those things.
Can you see how he fucked up the story? There is NO tension at all.
It turned out that where the nest of the place was on the same floor as they were staying at.
Of course it was.
The nurse was in the web and all that was exposed of her was the face.
::sigh::
She couldn’t move her body because she was pasted up to the wall.
He probably was imagining the scene from The Mist or Aliens right here.
“Todd, Joanna, get me fucking down from here,” she screamed with a horrified look on her face. One of the spiders proceed to bite into one of her arms, just taking enough blood to weaken her.
Ok, there’s a spider STILL goring Todd’s roommates, and that’s all the blood these ones took? Come on, you saw The Hobbit, you know how big and fuckoff scary spiders that big would be.
Todd frantically ran toward her, pulling out a pocketknife he had from the days when he was in boy scouts and quickly proceeded to cut her cocoon away from the wall.
Not seen: Spiders defending their food.
The cameras continued to roll while Todd was lifting her down from the silk prison. “Joanna, take this cigarette lighter in case they start showing up.
THERE’S ONE DRINKING FROM HER FUCKING ARM!
Spiders are scared of fire.
How the FUCK does this asshole know what horse sized, immortality granting, giant fuckoff immortal spiders are afraid of? I call bullshit.
Hold on nurse, I will have you out of there in a matter of minutes keep still long enough so I can cut you free.”
With a boyscout pocket knife.
The nurse’s hands were free so she could help in the process of freeing herself.
Which shows that Pacione doesn’t know shit about spiderwebs.
“Let’s not hang around. Tell the camera crew to turn off their cameras because the spiders are attracted by movement.
HOW DOES THIS ASSHOLE KNOW ANY OF THIS!
Actually, spiders will run away from movement not being transmitted by their webs. And turning off the camera isn’t going to stop the movement. And the whole goddamn thing is being stupid now.
There is a way out of here and follow me; it is beyond these doors.
Of course this asshole knows.
First we need a way to get the rest of the spiders to go in another direction.” They nodded in agreement, Todd kept his own video camera rolling because he couldn’t resist the footage.
But he told everyone else to turn off theirs. Because it’s OK and makes him heroic to endanger everyone else, because…
“Okay just about have you free here, and time to get of here. I hear them coming, and felt one of their bone-like fangs impale me as I was freeing the nurse.
::sigh:: So he tells US, instead of actually describing it.
Damn, that is it – now we fight these things.” He took his pocket knife and impaled it into the spider that bit him on the floor, saw human blood hit the floor as the spider pulled its abdomen away from the blade.
HAHAHAHA! What? This is goddamn stupid. Either the spider is big enough to gore and adult, or it’s the size of a normal spider. And what did it do?
Todd was looking in horror, “you got to be shitting me.
At least I agree with him here.
Run, don’t look back grab everything you got on you and run like hell.”
::headdesk::
They felt multiple legs chasing them as they ran down the halls and followed the trail of ectoplasm that resembled blood, “I think the doctor is trying to help us find a way out. Keep running.”
Ugh, of course he is.
Todd at this point was beyond horrified, stopped a few minutes to bandage his hand and kept going.
Beyond horrified, but able to stop and make a bandage in a few minutes. Jesus, Pacione has no sense of time or anything else.
The cameras were rolling and caught him, exhausted and the spiders gaining on them.
Because he stopped for a few MINUTES.
They didn’t realize that the very place where they were supposed to do a reality show was a house of spiders.
We knew, because of the title.
The party involved with the project felt the eyes looking back at them from an infinite darkness, knowing what was staring back at them were immortal. The screams they heard were nothing that they were able to do about it, and the people left behind in the house were the other roommates as they were being devoured blood first. The nurse that was retrieved from the nest had a gaping wound on her head from the impact that she took from when the spider took her.
Holy shit, when did all this happen? I want to read that story!
“Where the fuck is that cell phone? We need to call an ambulance for the nurse, she lost a lot of blood. Grab the sleeping bag and put her in it. We are going to carry her out, and almost there. Bandage her head up so the spiders cannot smell the blood.” Todd said taking charge,
Taking charge? This dimwit has been throwing orders since his room-mate got gored, except to save the roommate, or do anything halfway intelligent. This guy is dumber than a Second Lieutenant with a fucking map and a compass.
“we are almost out of here, it would be easier for me to carry the nurse out if we can package her up and belt her to a door to use as a stretcher.
You know ,this really feels like that fat kid that nobody likes telling you about a movie he watched on TNT when he was supposed to be asleep.
Hurry, I can hear the hiss of the spiders.” He motioned to one of the remaining camera crew, “Give the camera to my wife, and we can get out of here faster.” The cameras proceed to roll and in a matter of minutes they found the exit.
Notice there is no tension, no description of all this.Todd and the camera crew stopped for a minute to close the hood around the nurses face because the snow started to fall to the ground.
And there’s his bondage sleepsack fetish rearing its ugly head.A blue SUV waited for them outside, Catrina was firing up the Hemi while the camera crew unbelted the nurse from the makeshift stretcher. The nurse was barely awake, though alert to what was going on,
Of course. No tension.“Todd, I never had the chance to thank you for saving my life in there.”
SAVING HER? This jerkass kept recording after ‘knowing’ that spiders are attracted to movement. He stops for a FEW MINUTES to make a goddamn bandage, he abandons everyone else (even though it stated they rounded everyone else up), and fucks up everything by the numbers, and she’s THANKING HIM! Holy shit.
They drove away into the winter’s darkness, Todd looked at the wife and the rest of the surviving party. “I don’t think this will be going on the air, the events that happened were too frightening to relate.
You were chased by goddamn spiders. My grandpa coughs up scarier shit than that.
You suck, Pacione.I am thankful we made it out,
No thanks to that asshole Todd.and the story will be told – just not now. Catrina, there are some things that are not meant to be a reality show. Not at the risk of the life of others, ” Todd explained, there is a thankfulness to his voice. More that he is glad to make it out alive. They took the nurse to the closest hospital that was about an hour east in Glendale Heights.
And a sudden stop.
I rate this 0 out of 10 fucks to give.
See, there was a story in here, but Pacione shows everyone that telling is worse than showing. It’s a terrible story (spider, boo) but it is made worse by Pacione’s piss poor attention to detail, his shitty story telling skills, and everything else.
While it would be possible to tell this story even worse, it would be hard and you would actually have to try to do it.
And in case you actually give a shit, this story is available, for free, on the author’s fan-fiction page.
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