Thursday, May 28, 2015

Death Row, a Terrible Story by a Terrible Writer

Welcome to the next installment of horror. This time, instead of Nick "Sparkle Pony" Pacione's non-fiction fantasy accounts of his life, we have one of his actual stories. Oh, but this isn't just any story, boys and girls, but a very very special story. One that I'm sure ol' Sparkle Pony will be very sad is seeing the light of day.

As we all know, despite his fabulous nickname, Sparkle Pony is about the biggest closeted homophobic this side of.. well... anywhere. He consistently gives out death threats to people, states he will not accept any sex scenes or mentions of gay people unless they are being beaten up or murdered.

However, fate has a way of revealing things when you aren't careful. My mother used to sum it up with "God will get you if you don't watch out." This time it's ol' Sparkle Pony's turn to be gotten.

Why? Well, let us review a work by Mr. Pacione called Death Row, which is a compelling tale of prison, told in the first person, written by him a few years ago.

Join me as we fall down the rabbit hole and land upon the splintered bones of the Alices that preceded us.

Death Row Fiction by Nickolaus A. Pacione

Photo Of Author

It had been four year since I had been placed in the prison system.
OK, this isn't too bad. Maybe this story won't make us suffer hysterical blindness or attempt to chew open our veins to escape the stupidity.

I was placed in there for a crime that I did not commit, but the mother fuckers cannot find enough proof to find me innocent.
And total fail. See, the burden of proof is on the State. They have to prove beyond a "reasonable doubt" that you did something, you don't have to find evidence to prove your innocence. So, story failure number one. Drink, bitches.

I was locked up in Joliet since January 12, 1987, on a grand theft auto charge.
Four years on Grand Theft Auto? Wow. Talk about a suckass lawyer.

I have a wife and kid on the out side.
OK, so we've established that the narrator is there for a crime he didn't do, he got 4 years for, and that he has a family outside of the prison system. Well, so far, so good.

I did not steal the car, my wife's parents just had it in for me from the start all because they hated my way of thinking.
Wait, so did he take his wife's parent's car without their permission? That's Grand Theft Auto, baby. But it was because of the narrator's way of thinking? Aw fuck, so much for a sympathetic narrator. I'm already starting to hate this guy.

They were the small town types where they hated everything to do with the city, namely Chicago and Joliet.
Like indoor plumbing, electricity, and central heating? Or is it that they hate gross hunchbacks taking their car without permission?

But that is not important, that is just a little backgroud on myself.
Oh, well, good thing it isn't important, because I stopped giving a fuck!

My name is Gregory Pine, I was born in Chicago, Illinois, on January 11, 1966, my birthday is in a few days.
Happy birthday, Gregory!

I am writing this because there was something that happened in a five week period been today and the last five weeks.
What the fuck does that sentence even mean? Is he trying to say something happened between today and the last five weeks, or did he just stroke out on the connection word and start screaming and banging on the keyboard like a frustrated ape?

Today is January 20, 1995,
Nine days after his birthday? OK...

and what I have came across in my three year period was that of what would write itself into a fucking nightmare.
Dare we hope that THIS is the nightmare it wrote itself in to? Or should we just hope that it wrote itself into a night since the author has all the literary ability of a cat. That's was hit by car. A week ago. On the interstate.

As far As I can recall when I visited a friend of mine on the outside telling me stories and local folklore
Instead of visiting, you know, his WIFE AND KIDS! Hmmm... babbling friend or hot wet pussy? CHOOSE NOW!

that Joliet Correctional Center is home of a lifer named Damian Pym,
Is he related to the Sergeant Pym of the story Ghosts of War where the author rips off The Crow in a laughable and horribly bad way?

one that had been senteced for life because he had murdered 34 people though they had only found twelve.
So, he kills 34, the cops find and prove 12, but he got ONE life sentence? Shit, he'll be out in 30 days.

The police found the corpses buried beneath the faggoty motherfuckers apartment,
And he comes the fun ride. The killer, someone able to murder people, is a homosexual, as told to us by the author with the simple statement "faggoty motherfucker", which doesn't really paint the villain in a scary light, now does it?

the corpses were partly decayed and half eaten in parts.
Ummm... OK.

They almost fell ill to the stench of the remains --
Perfectly normal there. Rotting human bodies fucking STINK!

and they found a pair of bitemarks that appeared like that of a king cobra.
Where was the bite? They just found a pair of bite marks lying on the floor?

But before the corpses were devoured they had venom injected in them like a black widow eating her prey.
Well why else would there be a fucking king cobra bite on them? To inject them with... kittens? Puss? (snicker) Or maybe to grant immortality? And if the corpses were devoured, why are they only half-eaten on parts? When I think of devoured, I think of a fat man hitting a deep fried Twinky, not delicate nibbles around the edges of something like someone's spinster aunt eating a banana.

They described the crime scene as unspeakable,
Well, that would be why they only got life on the fucker in court. You've kind of got to actually describe and photograph the crime scene. Man, those cops sucked.

but they found one victim of his horror walking away.
So, did one of the decayed and half-rotted bodies just get up and start walking away? Did the victim get found wandering down the street with ranch dressing on their ass?

Though as they found this one, they called an ambulance.
Rather than calling a tow truck as they did in other cases where they found victims? For fuck's sake, Pacione, watch a few episodes of Law & Order!

The police could not explain why the John Doe or Mary Jane survived,
Wait, so they couldn't tell her sex? Is it because she was half-eaten in parts?

but they found out that as she went into the ambulance.
Oh, they found out what? That is was a Jane Doe? Or why she survived? Oh God, just make the pain stop!

They tried to put some blood bac in her, but she grabbed the arm of the EMT and bit a chunk of flesh off of the arm.
Well, she's hungry after being decaying, half eaten in places, buried beneath the floorboards of an apartment, and then wandering down the street.

The EMT looked on in horror to what had taken place.
That seems like a calm reaction. You bit a hunk of flesh off of my arm, I'm going to scream and start punching the bitch. But not this guy, he's a trained EMT, he just looked on in horror.

I hope he gets killed.

About an hour later they found the ambulance overturned and the lifeless bodies of the EMTs in the ambulance.
YAY! I got my wish!

They tried to put two and two together then they found out that they got a vampire on their hands.
Umm. 2+2=Vampire? Damn, that's some fucked up math there. So, how the shit did they get vampire? I was thinking werewolf. Or maybe crazy bitch? Or hungry half decayed half eaten in places victim? Or... aw fuck it.

I was one of the police officers on patrol at the time,
No you weren't. Stop lying.

"Pine, do you know anything about this shit that was going on?
Probably not.

I am telling you that what is going on is fairly disturbing.
Really? A woman who is half decayed and half eaten in places attacks and kills 2 or 3 EMT's and wrecks a precious ambulance is fairly disturbing? Well, at least it isn't something that can't be described.

In a way this really sickens me to see these EMTs torn apart like a mother fucking rag doll --
So, Officer Pine, who later steals a car and goes to jail and SURVIVES for four fucking years (Yeah, because cops who go to jail have really high life expectancies) has a partner who peeked into the ambulance

made into someone's punk for all time."
Ummm? Why? Why are they made into what is prison speak for bitch? Because a vampire, a creature with supernatural strength and is damn near invulnerable, ripped them into pieces? Yeah, what a pussy for getting ripped to shreds by a starving vampire!

"Does Mayor Daley know about this?" I had asked.
I'm going to rule No on this.

"No, fuck no and I am not about to let him because this is something that is not human or animal."
Yes it is. It's a HUMAN who has been turned into a VAMPIRE! It's not some sparkly creature without any apparent weaknesses that prances around in the woods mooning over cheesecakes.

In a way I had a deep horror to what had been happening,
A deep horror. As opposed to a superficial horror.

I knew, it was something that appeared like a vampire. But is what? It appeared like a vampire but was really... a Republican? A Democrat? A member of PETA? WHAT?

And how did it appear like a vampire? Did the person suddenly appear in a cloud of bats? Melted out of the shadows with fangs exposed leaning toward a Victorian maid's neck, needle sharp fangs exposed, and a slightly sheepish expression at being caught? HOW?

That new guy that just locked into Population.
So wait, did he just get locked into Population when the narration starts, during that "5 week period", or back during the memory of when the narrator had been a free man. Fuck, this timeline just got all fucked up.

No one messed with him because there was something to him. Something that is very dark and forboding.
Yes, gangbangers and murderers often pay attention to things that are dark and foreboding. I'm sure the talk was "Don't mess with him, esse, he's dark and foreboding like the emo kid that dated my sister!"

It was something that a friend of mine had told me about on the outside.
When he went and saw Dracula 2000 in the theaters?

He said that there was a man that had lived during the time that the time John Willes Booth had shot the 16th president
Well then, maybe they shouldn't have arrested John
Booth for it!

and saw the killing in the playhouse
So how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

then moved to New Orleans,
A hotbed of Vampires, or things that appeared like a vampire.

and then crossed paths with someone from the Loincourt clan.
The Loincourt clan? The Court of Loins! So, the groin courting people? WTF?

Appearently after the meeting, he had become immortal with a curse of the thirst of human blood.
Oh, wait, I get it. The Loincourt (snicker) Clan are vampires, and they turned that guy who saw Lincoln get gakked into a vampire because he'd moved to New Orleans?

The inmate had remained since January 12, 1984, I had been one of the police officers that arrested the man name Thames Flagg.
Oh what the fuck? I wonder if he's related to Randall Flagg, Mr. King's somewhat incompetent Anti-Christ figure? Great, so this is some kind of shitty fan fiction? Fucking great.

I wonder that he could of been related to that Chaplin that my pen pal, Theo Wolfe had written about in his journal entry about a Chaplin inhabiting the halls of a psych ward in a Des Moines hospital --
Aw shit, a shoutout to another one of his shitty stories.

the one that they found posing as a Baptist Chaplin.
So he was in the military?

Thoughts that are racing though my head are the constant nightmares that stand alone of what was written in Theo's journal.

The thing that ties this horror to what had happened in Des Moines is that every cellmate that Flagg had in with him was killed the next day as a fly in a spiderweb.
THEN STOP PUTTING PEOPLE IN THERE WITH HIM, DUH! Once again Sparkle Pony tries to up the ante, and it comes across in a clumsy and sad way. Who gives a shit about this Flagg motherfucker? So the narrator arrested him. Wait, does he know about Flagg because of the journal or because he arrested him? Wait, do we really give a shit by this point? I know Clippy the Paperclip doesn't, because he just wrote the word "Dynamite" and blew himself all over my screen in a shower of silver confetti.

I am writing of this in a rational nature,
Too bad you failed remedial English, hoss.

coming from a man that spent four years in the police academy,

one was never told that vampires existed because in the years that I had been a police officer I had never came across anything this horrific except for an end result of a drive by shooting here and there.
Which is really comparable to some pale motherfucker going apeshit, ripping someone limb from limb then tearing the torso apart and throwing it all over the place and then licking the blood off the walls.

I knew that the reason that Flagg was locked up in here was that of a first degree murder.
That's it? Just one count of First Degree Murder? Wow, what a suckass vampire.

They tried to give that mother fucker a lethal injection, but that did not kill him.
Because his sparkles made the nurse fall in love with him? Because his skin was like stone? Because, oh, I don't know... HE'S ONE OF THE FUCKING UNDEAD? Shit, why didn't they just give him a massage and a loufa rubdown while they were at it?

They even tried to cook the motherfuck in the electric chair,
Rather than in the microwave.

but the voltage wasn't strong enough to cook his genitals.
Ah, so like myself, his powers come from his genitals?

The prison guards were too scared to do anything to him because of the fact they knew what he was,
Well he's a pretty shitty vampire if he can't just turn into a bat and fly the fuck off. I mean, Christ, even that loser vampire in the Bugs Bunny cartoon could turn into a bat.

Oh, come on, you remember that! The greatest cinematographic vampire fight ever done!

It's called Transylvania 6-5000, and it's worth the watch, and better than this.

they had came across someone that is immortal.
Because he was full of cats? Because he sure as shit is a piss poor vampire. No hypnotism, no changing into a bat, no superstrength to rip off the bars and run amok in the cellblock feasting on all the cattle?

They knew if he got loose, he would go out into the eternal darkness and feed of the blood of others.
So instead they just tossed convicts in with him. Man, these guards suck.

I knew what would happen at lights out because I would hear the bloodcurdling screams that would be in the dark behind bars.
Great, so instead of getting him the fuck out of there, or soaking a nightstick in garlic and shoving it up his ass, or throwing him out in the yard for "exercise time" when he's asleep and watching him burst into flame in the sunlight, they just fed him other inmates? I'm beginning to suspect that the guards are the villains of this piece.

There was something that took place similar three years ago,

but there was a tie to both Damian Pym and Thames Flagg.
They're butt brothers?

They are one in the sam person,
Aw shit. This sucks worse than I thought. Oh, and it's spelled SAME, you gibbering jackass.

Pym did use the alias of Thames Flagg to get away from the Joliet Police Department.
So when they did a cell check, he just showed them his Damian Pym ID card and they let him go? Man, these guys suck.

They caught on after the high body count
Ya fucking think? Or howabout because they look like the same motherfucker and, oh, I don't know, they found Pym in Flagg's FUCKING CELL!

I'd have loved to hear that fucking conversation.
"Hey, Flagg, drop down off the ceiling, you got paroled!"
"I am not Flagg, Officer, see, my ID says Pym."
"What the shit? Do you think I'm stupid? Get off the fucking ceiling."
"But my ID says Pym."
"Who gives a shit about your ID? Look at it, you made it in arts & crafts."
"You will let me go!"
"Are you fucking stupid? You got parole. Eh, fuck it, you're kind of boring and ugly anyway, we'll just let you go based on the ID card you made in arts & crafts yesterday."
"BWAH-HA-HA! My evil plan worked!"
"Whatever. Get out, douche."

and the way they were killed was by a single bite.
Well, that's not too bad.

It was a frightening thing because they had found huge rip in the flesh of his victim’s neck as if that is where they had bitten.
Wait ,first they died of a single bite, which I see as two delicate fang marks, and now there's this GAPING FUCKING WOUND on the side of the neck that you can see the motherfucker's torn open windpipe through? And it's "as if that is where they had bitten"? Hey, douche, it probably is WHERE THEY GOT FUCKING BIT!

The forensic unit had done an autopsy on each of the bodies to discover that the insides have been fully desolved,
Desolved? Oooooh, dissolved. I thought maybe that instead of the insides being solved for X, the pieces had all been mixed up or something.

like an insect that had been poison by a spider for its next meal.
So apparently this vampire, Pym/Flagg/Dispshit the Vampire/Edward, rips a huge hole in their neck, whips out his cock, jerks off into the wound, and his semen dissolves the internal organ? Because there's no fucking way you're going to poison someone by ripping a huge fucking gaping hole in their neck. The heart has to pass the blood through the veins to carry the venom to the rest of the body.

It was something that I could not describe in full detail because
You suck as a writer?

of the horror that was hidden behind the prison bars.
Wait, I thought he got away...

I kept thinking that he must of not been someone’s prison bitch because of all the inmates that the mother fucker had killed.
And here we have the classic literary device of Man VS Self, as the narrator must come to grips with feelings that are frowned upon in society, when he realizes that he has become strongly attracted to another man. In this narrator's struggle with himself, he has discovered that he wishes the antagonist to sexually master him, and has begun wondering just where the antagonist's sexual desire lie, so that he can remake himself to please the object of his desire.

The warden had no idea how to kill him,
Because he's a goddamn retard who never saw or read anything about vampires? For fuck's sake, even the biggest fucking hillbilly in the world has seen From Dusk Till Dawn, and we all saw how to kill vampires.

but they would not believe me because of they were devote Christians
What, Christian's couldn't kill vampires? Why, does it say in the Bible: And lo, thou shalt not slay Vampires, for God loves them better than hunchback bondage sleepsack fetishists!

and said there was no such thing as vampires --
Just some asshole who sleeps upside down from the top of the cell and eats random people. Nope, no vampires here!

they thought that I was some kind of witch.
Or a gibbering fucking retard.

But I just let them believe what they want to believe,
So that they don't destroy your lord and sexual master?

but as I am writing this journal, I had scratched the Egyptian symbol of light into the wall because according to Theo’s journal, it was a symbol of protection.
BWAH-HA-HA! So all Bella's dad had to do was drag her down to the tattoo artist and get her a tattoo of the Egyptian symbol of light? What the fuck is this shit? This makes about as much sense as having a garlic enema before going out and fighting a mummy.

The next day they said that Pym was being moved into another cellblock.
Did he eat everyone in the old one?

I told them about all those people that had been killed,
Because the empty cellblock with all the bloodsmears and dismembered bodies with their "desolved" internal organs
weren't any fucking clue that he might have killed anyone?

and had passed the journal Theo Wolfe had wrote because that would hopefully sink that into their minds of what I was trying to tell them about Pym.
So he passed them a journal written in crayon? Fucking great.

They read the thing and handed them back to me,
Since the whole journal consisted of the words "I HAVE POOP IN MY BUTT AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"

Or it went something like this...

then they moved Pym into a solitary unit, but they did not bother to place a straight jacket on the mother fucker.
Because he might what? He's in a fucking cell by himself. If he can rip off the solid steel door, he probably can just take the straight jacket off like a normal man pulls off a sweater.

The only thing that will keep him comoany in solitary will be the whispers from the people he murdered.
Well, it could have been worse, this fucking narrator could have been in there jibbering at him.

The guard walked right passed an inmate tossing a salad,
And here it is. Not only did Pacione include a sex scene, but a GAY SEX SCENE!

this is slang for a faggot eating out of someone’s ass.

Wait, that isn't right. They aren't eating fruit salad out of the guy's ass. The guy doesn't have turkey and biscuits in his ass. Tossing a salad is having another inmate eat out (not eat out of) another man's ass after the asshole has been smeared with jelly or syrup. The guy on HBO preferred Syrup.

That is the only way that they get their nookie,
Nookie? What are you, 12? I'm pretty sure that some of these guys mounted up and drove a piledriver into the brown tunnel.

especially if they did not see the opening of a cunt for years.
I have this mental image of this vagina suddenly appearing in front of people and opening like a shellless clam.

My wife was a witch and my daughter was a spiritalist.
What, and that makes you an expert of dumbass vampires? My wife's a former combat medic and my daughter is a teenage girl, that doesn't make me an authority on jack or shit.

I did not fully understand their occult knowledge,
Or math. Or English. Or science. I mean, for fuck's sake, you spent FOUR FUCKING YEARS at the police academy.

but my daughter was good friends with someone that was a member of the Theosophical Society in Wheaton, Illinois,
Hit the brakes right here! The Wheaton Illinois reference is to his work "The Eyes in A Skull", which I rewrote into "An Ass with A Skull", which is probably the second dumbest vampire story ever written. This one being the first.

and my pen pal was a member of a Unitarian Universalist church in New Hampton, Iowa.
Great, more Iowa shit.

Theo had sent the prison guard a letter telling him about the fight that he was in with a Vampire that posed as a Baptist Chaplin.
So Theo was in the military during Desert Storm, and came across his unit Chaplin drinking blood from EPOW's, and the brutal fight left 1,202.1231231,12312312,1256345634, 97862 dead.

This had woke them up about what I was trying to tell him.
Him, them, those words are interchangable, right?

He said in the letter was that the only way that they can can kill Pym in there is to drag the mother fucker into sunlight.
Or behead him and shove his mouth full of holy wafers, wash the body down with holy water, bury the head at the crossroads and burn the body.

Or cover him in glitter.

Your choice.

They took the advise of Theo’s letter
Oh, thank God!

and they had an idea to get rid of Damian Pym
Light exposing him to sunlight?

because they noticed that the cellbock was always dark
Funding cutbacks.

and there was a coffin where the bottum bunk will be.
Hold on. Wait just a second. There's a FUCKING COFFIN in the cell? What the fucking shit? How goddamn dumb are these guards?

"Hey, John, you know that gibbering hunchbacked freak in Cellblock C?"
"Who, that guy who claims he was a cop and writes all that stupid crap?"
"Yeah, him. You know he claims this dude is a vampire, right?"
"Pym? Naw, man, he's just a murderer."
"Well, what about the coffin?"
"Look, he's unspeakable and a deep darkness. Of course he has a coffin!"
"Where the fuck did he get it?"
"How the fuck should I know? Do I look like some sort of coffin collector? Look, pull down your pants, we only have a couple minutes before shiftchange comes."

The guard had managed to look around inside of Pym’s cellbock and found human skeletons and parts of limbs hanging from the door of the cell.
What the fuck? These are the WORST fucking guards ever.

They were the remains of the inmates that were assigned to him.
Wait, Pym had inmates assigned to him? Like on a menu?

The inside wall was painted “Heltor Skeltor” as in the trademark of the Manson family.
No, that's Helter Skelter (I think, I don't fucking know) and it's a trademark song by the Beatles. Jesus fucking Christ....

They were shaking in horror because the vampire had been reading books about serial killers
Making him into a more dangerous vampire? Why does that fucking matter? He's an undead killing machine, who gives a fuck what he's reading? Would Dracula be any less dangerous if he read X-Men comics and jerked off to Professor X's bald head? That's like saying Hitler would have been far more dangerous if he read Martha Stewart.

and he used his powers to become a new kind of serial killer.
Vampires are already serial killers. He'd have been better off reading about how to hide bodies better.

The prison guards on duty made their move at nightfall.
Instead of just waiting till high noon, dragging his coffin out into the yard, and blowing it up with dynamite.

They had moved him into death row
They took him somewhere away from the sunlight, at night, to kill something that needs to be killed by sunlight.

These fuckers deserve to fucking die.

but they made sure they place a staight jacket and ankle cuffs on him
Yeah, because vampires don't have, you know, superhuman strength.

before they escorted him to death row.
You know, maybe this isn't that good of an idea...

“Pym, we are not going to offer you a last meal because we know what you are,” I heard them say as they walked him into Death Row.
Why the fuck not? They've been assigning him inmates to eat for awhile. Hell, they were even polite enough to turn off all the lights in the cellblock. What's with the sudden attack of squeamishness now?

“You already had enough to eat already because we had seen what you have done,
Oh, good thing then.

we had set up a special room for your execution.
So just you wait until morning! And don't make any escape plans!

In the meantime we are putting you on the green mile.
So a magical black man can save you.

We are placing you in a dark room for now
We don't want you to be uncomfortable before you go to hell.

and you will remain here until the day that your sentence is carried out.”
Yeah, because he can't, you know, bend the bars and run off, or turn into a bat and fly away, or anything like that.

“Fuck you and what you call the corpse you call your mother too, bitch.
What? That's his fucking "I'm a badass vampire" speech leadoff? Of just kill the dipshit already.

You can’t kill me because I am immortal, You will rot as I will live on!!”
In a jail cell?

shouted Pym, “You cannot kill me, I am a plague on the mortal race, mother fucker.
No, that's Pacione's writing.

My brother was killed in Iowa,
Not shown: Brother.

Wait, he can't be killed because he's immortal, yet one of his brother vampires was killed in Iowa and he brags about it? This guy is either really fucking dumb or in denial.

Or it's just some hobo.

but you won’t be able to kill me with your puny pistols and rifles.
But if they sprinkle him with glitter he will run off to haunt a high school.

What is that smell?”
Probably from his cellmate shitting himself at discovering that his latest appeal apparently got him a vampire in his cell.

“Garlic, take this fucking thing off of me you son of a bitches!!!
Wait, what? So the straightjacket is now covered in garlic? When did that happen?

If I get out of this thing, I will tear your souls apart.”
So garlic robbed him of his strength?

They tossed him into the cellblock and left the staightjacket on him for their safety.
Good fucking plan.

Well, this guy never took the Strahd Von Zarovich Correspondence Course of Suaveness. Otherwise, he'd be doing this:

Instead of sitting in a cell in a garlic straightjacket.

with piss flowing through his veins.
Wait, so instead of blood, he has piss in his veins? Does that mean he's a piss drinking vampire? Man, this story is just failing more and more epically as it goes on.

“I guess you won’t need a preacher,” the guard quipped, beating his nightstick against the bars in Death Row,
Wow, you told him with that quip!

“why don’t be a good little fuck and shut the fuck up.
Such witty repartee.

I cannot wait to watch your balls cook,
I'll bet he can't...

you fucking bloodsucking asshole.”
It's piss-sucking asshole, get it right!

The next day, they escorted him to a death chamber that is especially made for him.
At the low low cost of $26 million by contractors for the State!

It had a chair that works in a way like the electric chair,
By zapping him with electricity?

Why didn't they just pitch his ass out in the yard?

they did the execution the only way that able to destroy him -- death by sunlight.
Which the special chair fired through wires and cooked the vampire's balls and the guard was able to have lunch! YAY! HAPPY ENDING!

Light by the break of dawn -- they slowly walked him into the chamber.
And of course, the vampire just calmly goes along.

“Damian Pym, by the state of Illinois, you are sentenced to die by the rays of the sun. Do you have any words to say to the victim’s family before your sentence is carried out?”
Why the fuck are they even bothering with this?

And if this guy is a vampire, why is he awake in the daytime?

“Yes I do asshole and may these words burn in your soul as I die.
OOOOooooh! Now we get the cool vampire speech!

Fuck you and may I see all of you in Hell!!” Pym answered.

“Knowing what you are you will die according to one of many ways to kill a vampire, we chose the way of sunlight.”
Wait, I thought sunlight was the ONLY way to kill a vampire in this story? What the shit? You mean they could have just run in there with shovels, hacked off his head, staked him in the heart, and had done with it?

They had turned on the special lights
So they put him in a chair, with thousands of dollars in special lights that had cost the government millions of dollars in a Manhattan Project like crash program, that replicate....


Fucking government.

and Pym had turned to dust moments later.
Lovely description

Damian Pym is no more -- he turned to ash like a cigarette after it's been smoldering for a good while.
The. End.

OK, shall I explain why this story sucks, or just show you a cool vampire?

Cool vampire it is:

This story had everything!

Gay foreplay. Vampires. Death by sunlight. Gay foreplay. Babbling police officers. Gay foreplay.

All in all, this story fucking sucks. Worse than his vampire.

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